Year Two Without Papa

Papa…

I know you are watching from above, and I hope you feel the love from here below.

I couldn't remember much about this year. I don’t have many good memories to talk about.

Everything seems so dark…

I did try to get work at the Bank, but I couldn't bring myself to follow through with it.

I think I am running away this year, from things that are familiar to you.

I partied and drank a lot.

I don't know if I like this year.

I flew to Australia and spent Christmas and the New Year with the Harolds.

I went backpacking with Poetry. It was fun, but wild and reckless.

I tried to study for my master's in Australia, but it didn't happen.

Aaah... I think this is the ugliest year without you…

The silence in my mind is crowded with a thousand words.

Why did you leave me???

I didn’t see you for two years, I was miles away from you, and when I saw you again, you were already in the coffin…

I wish I had known that Sunday night was your last phone call to me. And it was the last time I heard your gentle and loving voice.

I did find it hard to believe it was God’s way of loving me. If it were, why did He take you from me? Why?

I should have blamed Him for this, but instead I blamed myself…

I should have resented Him for losing you, but instead, I chose to be a good Christian.

I should have walked away from Him, but instead, I stayed and continued to follow Him. The further I followed Him, the bigger the distance grew between me and you, Papa, and I didn’t think I liked it.

I should have been mourning and remembering you, but instead, I laughed, smiled, and sang along.

I should have screamed a lot, but instead I quieted myself.

I should have just lived my life according to what I thought was best, but instead, I chose to walk in the righteous path and make right with the Creator.

I should have questioned everything, but instead I believed everything.

This second year without you, Papa, made me feel like a walking death.

I didn’t know if I should continue to believe in God. And I didn’t know if I could forgive you for leaving me alone.